Redneck Letter

Dear son,

Im writing this slow cause i know you cant read fast. Your pop read that all accidents happen within 20 miles of home so we moved. Can't send you the address as the last arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them so they wouldnt have to change their address.

That coat you wanted, aunt billy-mae said it was too heavy with them buttons, so we took them off and put them in the pockets.

Your sister had a baby yester morn. Don't know if its a boy or girl so dont know if youre an aunt or uncle.

Three of your friends went off the bridge last week. One was drivig the other two were in the back. The driver lived, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they coulnt get the talegate down.

Please write back. It you dont get this letter, let me know and i will send another one.

Love, ma

Irishman's Letter to the DHSS after receiving a Leaflet...

Dear Sir,

I have just received the Aids leaflet through my door and would like to apply straight away for Aids. I have been on the dole for the past 10 years and have been living on Supplementary Benefit and every other State aid I could get.

It now seems I will be getting aid for sex. It's a pity this Aids has come so late, as I already have 15 children, and wondered if you will be paying back payments?

Your leaflet states that the more sex I have the more chance I have of getting Aids. My only problems here is persuading the wife, who is not too keen after 15 kids. Several years ago, I bought some sex aids, but she showed little interest and they were hardly used. Would there be any chance of a refund for the 17.28 paid out for these gadgets?

Anyway I will now explain to her that the Government will be paying us for all the sex we have, and I'm sure she'll agree that we cannot let a chance like this slip by. You also state that I can pass on my Aids, but as you will understand with a wife and 15 kids to feed, there won't be much left to pass on. If, by any chance, there is a bit left, though, I will pass it on to my poor old mother-in-law who only has her pension.

I understand from your leaflet that I can get Aids through a blood transfusion, and I intend to write to my local hospital straight away to see when I can have one. Will the Aids I get from the hospital be deducted from the Aids I get from you? Perhaps you will write and let me know?

I am a firm believer in getting every Aid I can from the country, and I'm sure you'll agree that by my past performance, I do qualify for this one. Could you let me know how much I will get paid each time, and will it be weekly or monthly payments?

Yours faithfully,
Seamus O'Toole