LADIES ONLY JOKES 1

LADIES ONLY JOKES 1


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ONE LINERS

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.
How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares?
How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How do you let your boyfriend know that you’ve had an orgasm? Give him a telephone call.
How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot of his head.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? Who knows? it never happens.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, men will screw anything.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to wallpaper a room? That depends on how thin you slice them.
What three words are most hated by men during sex? "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"
What three words do women hate to hear when having sex? "Honey, I'm home!"
What do ceramic tile and men have in common? If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!
What do men and beer have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What do you call a man with an IQ of 5? Gifted.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
What do you get when you cross a rooster with M&M's? A cock that melts in your mouth, not in your hand.
What do you get when you cross a rooster with peanut butter? A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
What does a man consider a seven course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What have toilet seats, anniversaries and the clitoris got in common? Men miss them all.
What is the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? The man.
What is the thinnest book in the world? What men know about women.
What's a mans idea of foreplay? About half an hour of begging.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A man will actually search for a golf ball.
What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee? One is hairy, smelly and always scratching its arse, and the other is a chimpanzee.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?" "Through his chest with a sharp knife.
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man? Big Foot's been spotted several times.
What's the difference between getting a divorce and circumcision? When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature.
What's the difference between, "Ooooh," and "Ahhhh?" About three inches
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? My wife says..."
Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony? The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts.
Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony? The woman who can eat the last two donuts.......
Why are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.
Why are men like noodles? They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Why are men and parking spaces alike? The best ones are always taken, what's left are the handicapped.
Why are men and spray paint alike? One squeeze and they're all over you.
Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why are men like popcorn? They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why did God put men on earth? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So oxygen can get to their brains.
Why do men have stupid looks on their faces? Because they're stupid.
Why do men like BMWs? They can spell it.
Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much? They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.
Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.
Why do men take showers instead of baths? Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why do so many women fake orgasm? Because so many men fake foreplay.
Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? She knows she's given her last blow job.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise one egg? They won't stop to ask directions.
Why does the doctor hit the baby's behind when it is born? To knock the balls off the smart ones.
Why don't men have to use toilet paper? Because God made them perfect assholes.
Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.
Why don't women have men's brains? Because they don't have penises to keep them in.
Why is a man like a snowstorm? Because you don't know when he's coming, how many Inches you'll get, or how long it'll last.
Why is food better than men? Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They have boyfriends already .
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars? At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 50,000 miles, whichever came first.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

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