Me, Myself and Irene
Hank Evans: Sure, and while I'm at it, why don't you go climb that telephone pole and take a big steamy piss on the power lines! Look, I'm not here to twist your niblets. I'm here to save your life. But to do that, I'm going to need complete uninanonomonitity.
Hank Evans: Vagiclean, huh? What's the matter, honey? Little extra cheese on the taco?
Mrs. Bittman: Excuse me?
Hank Evans: No, excuse me. There's no tag on this.
[grabs microphone]
Hank Evans: Price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. I repeat: price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. That's Vagiclean. We've got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough.
[a kid with glasses stares mindlessly at Charlie, who then transforms into Hank]
Hank Evans: What are you staring at, ****face?
Guy on Street: What is your problem?
Hank Evans: I got no beef with you. This is between me and the boy.
Charlie Baileygates: But you said you'd eat whale blubber.
Limo Driver: She'll be eating blubber alright, just as soon as I free "Willy."
Irene P. Waters: I never wanted to sleep with you, Hank! Okay, you tricked me!
Hank Evans: Yes, I tricked you. It was deceitful, it was disgusting and despicable. But just for once, see it from my side.
[shrugs]
Hank Evans: I was horny.
Hank Evans: Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.
Hank Evans: Free hot dogs here, all you can eat! Get your foot long and a bag of nuts!
Hank Evans: Listen, Pocahontas, unless you put your ear to the ground, you'll never hear the buffalo comin'!
Irene P. Waters: Ok, look, I don't know what that means!
Irene P. Waters: Charlie may not be long off the tee, but he's got a very good up and down game.
Hank Evans: What? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Can we just speak English here?
Irene P. Waters: Does your ass feel swolen.
Charlie Baileygates: [referring to his pills] No. But it can give you unbelievable cotton-mouth.
Irene P. Waters: I meant from the ride.
Charlie Baileygates: Oh. Oh, yeah. Over the years my ass has taken a pounding.
Hank Evans: Holy Jesus in heaven! it's a giant Q-tip.
Irene P. Waters: Hank!
Hank Evans: What? I'm jokin' with the guy. Bringin' a little sunshine into his life. Careful, you'll peel